Whether or not these men and women were found guilty in court, through their nightmare-inspiring mug shots they're helping The National ENQUIRER
perform a public service — with tips on how to not
look like a crook!
More than 1-in-10 cops are women, and chances are most of them — and many of the their male colleagues — will find the "Female Body Inspector" joke offensive. They're not always crazy about the Feds, either, so this shirt's a lose-lose, crime-wear wise.
When the cop taking the photo says "pull it together," always think hair before eyes.
Oh, "Psycho." Nobody's going to risk trying to arrest you. What, was "Genius" taken?
Ah, our mistake. Never mind.
Genetic studies suggest that you can learn to roll your tongue. So, born to be bad need not translate into born to be a bad tongue roller. Keep trying. You'll have time to practice.
If it's a bad hair day, ask for a rubber band. A particularly unruly coif may call for handcuffing.
Impersonating an internationally recognized clown while in the commission of a crime? That's a Bozo no-no.
Photo credit: Files/Getty Images
My future's so bleak I might as well draw shades on my face.
On the plus-side, the I-had-a-wicked-toothache defense might move a sympathetic judge.
Try not to inspire entirely new criminal classifications, such as metal-collar crime.
The unbuckled seat-belt's usually only prosecuted after you're pulled over for something else. Same with the comb-over. Clip it or ticket!
Where, WHERE do we find this Instagram filter?!
If you're going to a costume party as Saddam in the Rabbit Hole, bring an extra shirt and a scrunchy just in case a crime happens on the way.
The Lord's always there, ma'am. Next time, wear the "got Lawyer?" T-shirt.
You have a right to remain silent. If you choose to imitate Cousin It from "The Addam's Family," the court will appoint Uncle Fester to defend you.
Photo credit: Splash/Files
If you are transitioning from your human form back into a reptilian alien, best to ask the officer processing your arrest to wait until you complete the process.
Just ask for a comb. Or a brush. Between the ink and the shiner, nobody's mistaking you for a wuss.
It's okay to say something like, "You might as well just stamp REJECT across my forehead!" But recognize that following through on the threat will never pay off in the end.
When using a rubber band to remind yourself to pick up milk on the way home from the crime, we recommend wearing it around your wrist. The chinstrap look only works in the movies. Animated ones.