ROSEANNE IS BACK!
"I'm an egomaniac . . . just a big show-off," confesses Roseanne, explaining why despite her riches she's struggled for years to get back on TV and now has finally made it.
"I don't need to work another day. But I'm a comic -- I love the fame and the laughter," Roseanne told The ENQUIRER in an exclusive interview. "I've been off TV three years -- and plotting how to get back on."
The outspoken comedienne is again making waves with the August 6 debut of her unique reality show. "The Real Roseanne Show" follows the funnylady as she puts together her forthcoming cooking show "Domestic Goddess," which will air on the ABC Family cable channel.
As with any project featuring Roseanne, the new reality series is very funny -- and unpredictable. Even her choice of cast mates is mind-boggling. Among the regular figures on the show are Roseanne's ex-hubby No. 1
Bill Pentland -- from whom Roseanne got a bitter divorce. He introduces himself as the comedy star's handyman!
Also onboard are Bill's new wife Becky, now Roseanne's assistant; Roseanne's son Jake and son-in-law Jeff, who are producing the cooking show, and Roseanne's secret new boyfriend.
Her beau is introduced as "Roseanne's Internet friend." "That's how we got together," he reveals. "I went to her Web site."
Although he is not named on the first installment, The ENQUIRER has learned Roseanne's new guy is John Argent, 54, who until this past May sang in a Tucson band called Johnny and the Night Train.
"He is the voice of temperate opinion . . . and when we argue, we argue well with no bitterness," Roseanne, who has endured three marriages and divorces, told The ENQUIRER.
As reality cameras capture Roseanne and her gang preparing for the comic's upcoming cooking show, viewers get to see her behind the scenes -- and hear her amazing confessions.
At one point, Roseanne complains: "I hate men. I should have been a lesbian! As soon as I find a guy I hate, I marry them!"
She told Argent: "I predict in 30 days you'll hate me!" He fired back: "Let's place a $5,000 bet on it!"
Incredibly, to find an executive producer for her cooking show, Roseanne hired a group of rabbi "face-readers." The rabbis watch tapes of wanna-be execs, then analyze their facial features to determine who is right for the job.
Why the unusual method? "I always pick the wrong people," says Roseanne. "I tried to stab one executive producer. I've tried to kill almost every man I had a relationship with in my life."
Of her much-anticipated "Domestic Goddess" show, the brunette Martha Stewart chirps: "It's perfect! I get to be around food. I shop for it, cook it -- and eat it.
"My favorite food in the whole world is cheese. I could happily munch on a pound while watching TV. I'd have it melted, slather it with hot mustard and slap some meat on it.
"I am the sexiest fat girl on earth!"
It's hard for Roseanne not to be funny, but her new reality show has its serious moments, too.
The comedienne -- who launched an unsuccessful talk show after nine years on her sitcom -- says of her new comeback effort: "I don't know if people remember me. If it doesn't go, I'm done. That's it."
But a network insider told The ENQUIRER Roseanne's reality show "is going to make Anna Nicole's show look like a snore.
"It's a reality show with meat on it."