STOP THE PRESSES…AND WEEP, LESBIANS, WEEP! My stop-the-world scoop kicks off in the wee hours at a trendy LA nightspot, where LINDSAY LOHAN, chillin’ with pals, ignores lovestruck eyes trying to lock with hers…until a waiter approaches and whispers discreetly: “The lady at the next table would like to buy you a drink!”
Politely declining, LiLo looked over at the late-20-ish hottie who’d been eyeballing her, and mouthed: “Thanks anyway.” But later, when Lindsay hit the ladies’ room and was about to slip into a stall, a hand stroked her arm…and suddenly, she was looking straight into the smitten eyes of her female admirer, who told her urgently: “Lindsay, I’ve been staring at you all night. You’re so beautiful! I want to go out with you. I think we’d be a great couple!”
Smiling gently, Lindsay – whose burning sexcapades with boy-oh-boy Brit deejay SAMANTHA (aka Tha’s a Man) RONSON grew into a lesbian legend that triggered sizzling world headlines – removed the woman’s hand from her arm and delivered this shocking news: “Thanks for the compliment,” she said sweetly, “but I’m not into girls anymore – that was just a phase I was going through.”
Turning her back on the devastated, lovelorn lesbian, Lindsay swiftly escaped into the stall, locking the door behind her. And when she finally returned to her table, her would-be seductress had…vanished.
(So let the word go forth to lesbians everywhere! Lindsay Lohan insists: “I’M NOT GAY ANYMORE!”)