So here’s a major alert to allegedly adulterous Ozzy Osbourne!
Scary Wifey-Momma Sharon is about to high-tech your cheatin’ ass with a state- of-the-art computerized techno-mattress equipped with incredibly sensitive sensors that’ll detect any and all hanky-panky from beneath the sheets!
That’s thrust-by-thrust and wiggle-by-wriggle!
Reports my Undercovers Spy: “Sharon’s ordered a ‘smart’ mattress that detects any sexual encounter with computerized gizmos that measure intensity, impact-per-minute, pressure points, etc. — then alerts Suspicious Spouse by cellphone if their partner is cheating, signaling that your bed is, uh, “in use!”
Made by a Spanish company, it’s aptly dubbed a “Smartress” … and sounds like the damn thing might put li’l ol’ tattletales like me out of business!