TOM CRUISE TO THE RESCUE
ALL ABO-O-O-A-A-RD! As the BRITNEY SPEARS Train Wreck gathers steam and threatens to jump the track, look who’s hopped aboard to rescue Our Heroine before the movie ends – TOM CRUISE, the mighty CruiseControl himself, who’s telling mutual pals he personally wants to teach Poptard how Scientology can save her engram-encrusted soul! (Note: “Engrams” are nasty particles from the exploded bodies of space aliens that Master of the Universe Xenu brought to Earth a million years ago, and…oh, look it up!)
Anyway, Tom’s timing’s good, sources say, because Southern Baptist/Kabbalahdabbler Britney recently expressed an interest in Scientology – and the Church is licking its chops at the prospect of converting a mega-star…looney-toon or not! Reports an insider: “Tom loves playing savior – and says a Scientology detox is just what Britney needs. He says he personally sees three personalities in her, and believes the Church can get rid of two of them – and make Britney ‘Britney’ again.” Scientolog-ically, doesn’t it all make perfect sense, folks? In his notorious new Internet video, My Favorite Alien explains that “when you’re a Scientologist, and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it…because you know you’re the only one who can really help!” (HA, HA, HA, HAAAH…WHOOOSH!)
Published on: 02/06/2008
