TOM CRUISE TO THE RESCUE

ALL ABO-O-O-A-A-RD! As the BRITNEY SPEARS Train Wreck gathers steam and threatens to jump the track, look who’s hopped aboard to rescue Our Heroine before the movie ends – TOM CRUISE, the mighty CruiseControl himself, who’s telling mutual pals he personally wants to teach Poptard how Scientology can save her engram-encrusted soul! (Note: “Engrams” are nasty particles from the exploded bodies of space aliens that Master of the Universe Xenu brought to Earth a million years ago, and…oh, look it up!)

Anyway, Tom’s timing’s good, sources say, because Southern Baptist/Kabbalahdabbler Britney recently expressed an interest in Scientology – and the Church is licking its chops at the prospect of converting a mega-star…looney-toon or not! Reports an insider: “Tom loves playing savior – and says a Scientology detox is just what Britney needs. He says he personally sees three personalities in her, and believes the Church can get rid of two of them – and make Britney ‘Britney’ again.” Scientolog-ically, doesn’t it all make perfect sense, folks? In his notorious new Internet video, My Favorite Alien explains that “when you’re a Scientologist, and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it…because you know you’re the only one who can really help!” (HA, HA, HA, HAAAH…WHOOOSH!)