Folks, I have a serious announcement that may sadden, or gladden, your hearts.

Henceforth, I will cease using my time-worn, good-natured nickname for a major star I can no longer view in any affectionate light: Therefore, the term “My Favorite Alien” – created by me to describe TOM CRUISE – will never appear in print again!

Why? Quite simply, Tom’s lost all power to amuse.

Looking at photos of his and KATIE HOLMES’ adorable child Suri, and knowing he was willing to place that precious life in the hands of his fanatical “church,” all sympathy and tolerance for Tom’s once-entertaining antics ceased forever.

I will, of course, continue to report on Mr. Cruise fairly and objectively, as always, and – if it’s any consolation, Tom – I’ll keep using the even more apt nickname I coined years ago… CruiseControl!