LIBERACE USED CANDELABRA AS SEX TOY?! Okay, now that I’ve got your attention…
TRUE STORY: Sex toys keep disappearing mysteriously from the set of HBO’s new LIBERACE movie “Behind the Candelabra” – starring MICHAEL DOUGLAS as the mincing, prancing pianist and MATT DAMON as his fluffy toyboy – and the kinky thefts are driving producers, cast and crew…er, NUTS!
Vibrators, dildos, fur-lined handcuffs, pep-boy pumps, etc., are vanishing so fast from the set – ZSA ZSA GABOR’s fabled Bel-Air mansion – that assistants have hustled to the Hustler store on Sunset more than half a dozen times to buy replacements.
Reports My Peephole Spy: “It sounds funny, but it’s really not, because every missing vibrator, or whatever, means an expensive delay. These sex toys are shown in the background of several scenes, so they need to be replaced with an exact counterpart. We need to nail that thief.”
Okay, okay, it’s “serious” – but now comes my hilarious kicker: Stars Damon and Douglas are actually accusing each other of the kinky krimes!
Said my source: “Michael had everyone in stitches when he told them he’s convinced the culprit is…Matt Damon! But what Michael doesn’t know is that behind his back, mischievous Matt’s been telling anyone who’ll listen that it’s gotta be Michael who’s stealing the fun gadgets!!”
WOW! Okay, now let’s hear what INSPECTOR WALKER has to say about this mystery. Inspector?
“Yes, well…first of all, are we absolutely sure Zsa Zsa hasn’t been sleepwalking?…Unlikely, but how about her husband, PRINCE FREDERIC VON ANHALT? It’s been suggested he’s got a dodgy look about him. But to that I say, PIFFLE! No, the answer is in The ENQUIRER’s always-brilliant gossip column – which reported only weeks ago that Mr. Douglas and Mr. Damon encountered a ghost on the set! Therefore, I accuse…Liberace HIMSELF!” (A shot rings out. We hear a ghostly howl, the tinkle of a piano…and the curtain falls.)