My top-secret JOHN MAYER bombshell’s already triggering Hollywood warning sirens…YEEEEK!…SHRIIEEEEK!…rupturing the eardrums – and God knows what else – of Sexy Boy’s numerous blast-from-the-past/humped-and-dumped star hotties, who are suddenly terrified they’ll be immortalized/scandalized in a new Broadway play he’s writing!
Mayer’s nervous brigade of bang-ee’s include: KATY PERRY, JENNIFER ANISTON, JESSICA “Sexual Napalm” SIMPSON; TAYLOR SWIFT; sex-plosive JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT (who reportedly inspired his hit ditty, “Your Body Is A Wonderland”); plus RENÉE ZELLWEGER, MINKA KELLY, RHONA MITRA, blah, blah, blah! (Guys, can you even imagine?!)
“John’s kept this project heavily under wraps,” said a source close to the star, “but word’s starting to leak now that the formal casting call’s gone out. It describes main character ‘JOHN, early to mid-twenties/artistic. Musician. Handsome (ideally can play both guitar and piano)…!’ Justifiably nervous are exes Taylor Swift, who wrote mercilessly about her failed love affair with John; Jessica Simpson – who raged when he called her ‘sexual napalm’ — and Jennifer Aniston, who famously followed him around the world like a love-struck puppy.
These famous flings, knowing John’s kiss-and-tell history, are now worried he’ll stage scenes from their sex lives on the Broadway stage!” “Ho’ BOY!” (That’s my suggested title, John, and you’re welcome to it.) Mayer’s show-and-tell debuts this fall in a small California town, where producers will iron out the kinks – until it’s kinky enough for BROADWAY!!