JESSICA GETS NEW JEANS

HOLY MOLY! It’s roly-poly-damage-control-y time for porked-up popster JESSICA SIMPSON, who’s apparently blaming the most talked-about weight gain since OPRAH on her Grey Ant jeans.

So her distraught mom placed an emergency 911 to Level 99 jeans, a brand espoused by such slinky stars as KATIE HOLMES, JESSICA ALBA, REBECCA ROMIJN and KATHERINE HEIGL.

Mommy rush-ordered five pairs of the $118 pants, shoehorned her blossoming daughter into a pair – and delighted Jess started gushing to pals that they make her look 20 pounds slimmer! Now that’s crisis management.