IF WE TELL YOU, WE HAVE TO KILL YOU DEPT.: Folks, I got this direct from the spirit of Darth Vader, who dropped to Earth in the dark of night and rasped: “May The Source be with you, Mike! Hold onto your intergalactic helmet, because I’m revealing – exclusively for you and your gossip/sci-fi fans – an outer-space secret that’ll send you straight into the stratosphere!
Here’s a scoop NO ONE knows about ‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ – the long-awaited sequel that debuts in 2015. SPOILER ALERT! Han Solo (HARRISON FORD) and Princess Leia (CARRIE FISHER) secretly had – a son!”…WHAAAAT?!…
“That’s right, Mike, their handsome young lad will be the new hero of the saga – and desperate producers are secretly searching the world for the actor who’ll play him!” Said a hush-hush Hollywood source – who was vaporized moments after he told me this: “Producers are being so tight-lipped about the plot and character that even A-list stars like ROB PATTINSON and ANDREW GARFIELD can’t get a peek at the actual script. Already, big-shot director J.J. ABRAMS has nixed just about every actor in Hollywood in his search for this pivotal new character. And it’s been like dodging meteor showers just to read for the role. The script is guarded like the Holy Grail. Actors are forced to sign something like 10 non-disclosure agreements before they’re allowed to audition. Then they run a gauntlet of several padlocked and camera-monitored rooms before finally reading for casting directors. And the pages they get to read aren’t even from the real script!”
After going through all Hollywood’s A-listers and B-listers, Abrams launched a worldwide search, holding open calls in the U.S. and England – even encouraging unknowns to submit taped auditions over the Internet. “And all anyone’s told is that they’ll be playing a young, injured man (age 19-23) who’s being nursed back to health by a young female relative. Abrams has a very clear vision of this character in his head. He’s turned down several heavyweights, including – are you ready?! – JUSTIN BIEBER. So it looks like a new star will be born on the new ‘Star Wars!’ ” (Trust in The Source, Mike!)
