First, let’s stand up and cheer America’s gorgeous “Million Dollar $weetheart” Sandra Bullock for her staggeringly generous gift of one million buck$$ to the tsunami victims — but this is still a gossip column, folks, so I’m duty-bound to RAT HER OUT with a rather bizarre tale . . . or should I say, “tail!”? Seems Sweet Sandra and “Monster Garage” biker boyfriend Jesse James were out motorcycling through downtown LA late one evening when he decided to stop at a convenience store and buy a cigar. Nervous about the neighborhood, Sandra begged him to keep rolling, but Jesse wanted his stogie pronto . . . so in he went. Moments later, he heard bloodcurdling shrieks and came charging out, ready to kick the sorry butt of whoever was harassing his Old Lady . . . and there sat Sandra on the back of his bike, legs scrunched up and near tears, staring horrified as cat-size RATS — driven from subterranean hidey-holes by endless LA rainstorms — swarmed through the parking lot snapping up food scraps with their nasty, razor-sharp teeth! “GET THEM OUT OF HERE!” screamed Sandra. Jesse’s motorcycle boots were made for stompin’ . . . and that’s just what they did, kicking rat butt and driving the little squealers off! Then the Monster-meister hopped on his bike, fired it up and roared off with One-in-a-Million Biker Babe yelling in his ear: “I TOLD you not to stop!”
— MIKE WALKER
