NATIONAL ENQUIRER'S LAUGHTRACK

Published on: April 9, 2004

Why is 'Jersey Girl' not as bad as 'Gigli'?
Now that "Jersey Girl" has opened to bad reviews, Ben Affleck will be thrust into the hardest acting job of his life -- acting like he still has a career. However, critics are saying that watching "Jersey Girl" is not as bad as watching "Gigli," but only because it's a little shorter. The biggest problem critics have with the movie is they are not impressed with Ben's acting. They say his performance is as believable as Jessica Simpson understanding algebra.

Courtney curbs appetites at Wendy's
A lot of people in New York City have fallen very ill after being exposed to some harmful plastic -- Courtney Love's breasts!

Courtney flashed her breasts at a New York City Wendy's, and for the first time in a Wendy's something looked worse than the food. Then she went off and showed her breasts all over town, including a crowded nightclub. Some people were appalled while others thanked her for curing their hiccups. Courtney is so out of control that I think it's pretty clear what's coming next: She's going to dangle her 11-year-old daughter over a balcony.

Janet's blasphemy malfunction
But sadly for Courtney, even if she shows her breasts to all of New York she'll never break Janet Jackson's record. Janet went on David Letterman and talked about her right breast popping out during the Super Bowl. She agreed that it was a very unfair thing to do to her left breast. Then poor Janet, while talking to Dave, said "Jesus" and got bleeped. Now if she had violently beaten Jesus, she would have got $300 million and a two-picture deal.

Nick and Jessica go for scripted laughs
ABC has signed Nick Lachey to star in a new sitcom, which is all part of ABC's continuing efforts to get people to watch NBC. Actually, Nick and his wife Jessica Simpson have both been given deals to star in their own ABC sitcoms -- although Jessica is a little suspicious. She doesn't understand how both shows can be on ABC at the same time.

Jackson trial: Adults Only
The good news: The judge presiding over Michael Jackson's trial will allow the media to communicate with adult witnesses. The bad news: It will take about 6 years for the witnesses to become adults.

A casting agent's nightmare
VH1 is in preproduction on a movie about Michael Jackson's life and they need to cast him as a child and as an adult. So they must be looking for a 13-year-old black boy AND a 30-year-old white woman. The movie will encompass Michael's entire life, from his traumatizing childhood to his traumatizing childhoods.

And it was good? very good
It's pretty hypocritical that the pious Mel Gibson cheated on his wife. In his version of the Bible, maybe the line "be fruitful and multiply" is followed by the word, "Mel."