LAUGHTRACK BY JAMES HARRIS

Published on: April 26, 2004

Lots of congratulations this week: First to Billy Bob Thornton! He's just a few months away from being a daddy again. And in preparation for the big day, people everywhere are programming the Department of Child Services into their speed dial.

  • Can you believe Krista Allen was with Ben Affleck just to make George Clooney jealous? And Ben Affleck was with Krista Allen just to make his daily quota. Krista is just trying to send a message to George that great guys love her. Although this may just send a message that she gives great lap dances.

  • Meanwhile, James Brown wants to get back together and remarry his last wife, Tomi Rae. He realized he misses her while he's alone and he prefers to miss her while he's swinging a bat.
  • And how about Pam and Tommy Lee getting back together, again! Sounds like Pam finally got a prescription for painkillers. You know, a lot of people don't realize this, but it really is terrific news -- Pam and Tommy Lee reuniting is the best way for society to prevent the spread of STDs.
  • Here's some great news! Prosecutors will be able to introduce key and compelling evidence in their drug case against Courtney Love: Courtney Love.
  • Did you see the Nick and Jessica variety show on ABC? I heard it was really hard to get Jessica to learn her lines. Every time they showed her a cue card she kept thinking, "Why would they write the alphabet so out of order?" Nick Lachey knows the smartest thing he's ever done was marry Jessica Simpson. And Jessica knows the smartest thing she's ever done was by accident.
  • Here's where it gets sad ... John Stamos and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos have broken up because they didn't agree on the future of their marriage. John wants kids and Rebecca is just not ready to start eating.
  • Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are pitching their own reality TV show -- sounds like a rip-off of "Celebrity Boxing." The show would be about an hour a week, which is perfect! That's exactly how much time they spend each week doing something legal. But don't worry, this new show won't take away from the other reality TV show they are currently starring in: The Evening News.