LAUGHTRACK BY JAMES HARRIS

Published on: May 5, 2004
  • You have to feel bad for Madonna. She was hurt and insulted when she heard her dancers saying she's no spring chicken. And if that made her feel old, wait until she hears Ashton Kutcher's been asking for her number.
  • Scott Thorson came forward revealing he had gay sex with Michael Jackson in the late 1970s. It's very possible, because back in the '70s Michael Jackson was still considered a male. Michael confessed to Scott that he felt his nose was too wide. He wanted something smaller, and obviously something he could use as an eraser.
  • Britney Spears is pitching her own reality TV show. Didn't HBO do something like that already, called "GString Divas"? Britney wants $1 million per episode, and the networks think that's outrageous! They have no problem paying for the production, but they shouldn't have to pay for her alcohol.
  • Did you see that picture of Rush Limbaugh being kissed by a drag queen? It makes you wonder, did he just get out of rehab or prison? Let's hope Rush doesn't ever dress in drag, because the world is not big enough for another Rosie O'Donnell.
  • Good luck to P. Diddy! He will be acting in a Broadway play. I hear that promotional merchandise for the play is already selling like crazy! They're completely sold out of "P. Diddy on Broadway" bulletproof T-shirts.
  • What is going on with Kevin Spacey? First he said he was mugged, then he said he wasn't mugged. Come on, Kevin, people just want to know the truth -- are you gay? And how about Kiefer Sutherland spending 24/7 drinking in a gay bar? But not everybody wants to know if he's gay; Diana Ross just wants to know if he's buying.