LAUGHTRACK BY JAMES HARRIS

Published on: July 14, 2004

Christina's love isn't the hurting kind
Christina Aguilera is so in love with her boyfriend that she's changing her image for him. She removed her nose ring, her chin ring, and she even removed her piercing from her most private and secret place -- her Britney Spears voodoo doll.

On the road with Whitney and Bobby
Whitney Houston had to cancel her concert in Germany because of some bad weather. And it just makes you wonder -- when did she start smoking weather? Bobby Brown went to Germany with Whitney. But you can't blame him, he always travels with his wallet.

Denise Richards' post-partum pose
Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen just had a baby, and now Denise wants to pose nude in Playboy. Looks like Mommy's breasts are paying for college! If Denise Richards poses nude in Playboy she will be reminding Charlie Sheen of the girls he used to date. She could also do that by charging him for sex.

Another mother causes trouble for Woody Allen
Woody Allen is upset that Kate Winslet has pulled out of his movie so she can spend more time with her children. Because, knowing Woody, he would also like to spend more time with her children. But pulling out of the movie is just unacceptable to Woody. As far as he's concerned, if you really want to spend more time with your children, you just marry one of them.

Hilton gets noticed on all-fours
Paris Hilton was seen on her hands and knees at the Beverly Hills Hotel, chasing after her dog. Of course if she had been standing up, nobody would have recognized her.

Livin' on Courtney time
Courtney Love was not on time to her New York court hearing. However, she was on everything else. The truth is Courtney does have a little trouble telling time. When she sees that the big hand is on the little hand she thinks it's trying to find a vein. But, it is New York City and Courtney just didn't know what to take to get to court -- the bus, the subway or a bottle of painkillers.

The Kirstie-Clinton connection
Bill Clinton's autobiography is over 900 pages long. It's only a few pages longer than Kirstie Alley's dinner order. Really, what is going on with Kirstie Alley? Experts say she's gaining weight to keep men from approaching her. Obviously, that doesn't include waiters!

Clinton book report
And what's up with Bill Clinton's book? It's filled with so many lies and inaccuracies, you'd think it was written by a reporter from The New York Times. He left out most of his extramarital affairs. But then again, if he included them all, it would require three friends and a U-Haul to get the book from the store to your home. Actually, right now, Bill is cheating with a woman he really likes. I mean that, literally, right now!