LAUGHTRACK BY JAMES HARRIS

Published on: August 18, 2004

Hey, Nic, maybe you should adopt her first!

Congratulations to Nicolas Cage! He went to a sushi restaurant and a few months later he married his waitress. I bet Cage felt like a complete idiot when he found out most people just double the tax as a tip. Nic is 40 and his wife, Alice Kim, is only 20. A lot of people don't approve of their marriage. Even Woody Allen would have at least adopted her first.

More Adventures from Neverland

A 15-year-old boy was injured at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch while riding an ATV vehicle. This is new, because most of the boys get injured while hearing a bedtime story. The ATV flipped over and the boy landed hard on the ground. But it could have been worse, he could have landed on Michael.

Electra Downsizes?

Carmen Electra may get a breast reduction, which is a very simple procedure known in Hollywood as "retirement." Her husband probably wants her to get bigger breasts because he loves her for her personality.

Carter Explains Hilton's Lumps

Nick Carter says Paris Hilton got those bruises on her face during an S&M photo shoot. Although that may just be his way of saying, "I beat her with a camera."

Love and Rehab

Courtney Love was sentenced to 18 months in drug rehab. The judge feels that she wasted so much of the court's time, it's only fair to waste hers.

'Vegas' Brawl

There was a big fight on the set of NBC's show "Las Vegas" when two stars started punching each other. James Caan decided not to break up the fight because it reminded him of how much he misses his youth.

Dunst Can't Hurry Love

Now this is too crazy! Kirsten Dunst dumped Jake Gyllenhaal because he loves her and wants to marry her. It sounds like she's taking dating advice from Ben Affleck.

Alley Lands a Big Part

Kirstie Alley is going to star in a new TV show called "Fat Actress" although before she agreed to be in it, it was just called "Actress."

Son Takes a Ride on Dr. Phil's Coattails

Dr. Phil's son is getting his own reality TV show. It's to help people bounce back and recover after following Dr. Phil's advice.

Berry Scolds Surgeons

Halle Berry has spoken out against plastic surgery and says she feels bad when she sees what society has done to women. And she'd feel even worse if she saw what her husband has done to them.

James Harris is a comedy writer and stand-up comic whose talents have been showcased on Showtime, VH-1 and HBO. He performs regularly at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles.