LAUGHTRACK BY JAMES HARRIS

Published on: September 7, 2004

Careful, Marc: The paternity tests were done in Florida!

Have you seen all those children waiting in long lines in Miami? You know it can only mean one thing: Marc Anthony is doing another day of paternity tests. In fact, this year for children, the hottest Christmas gift is a Marc Anthony blood sample. The guy has already tested negative on three straight paternity tests. But since the tests were done in Florida, the Supreme Court has overturned the results and the children are his.

More Lighter Side of Hollywood:

  • This is shocking! While in prison, Mary Kay Letourneau threatened to kill Vili. She was very jealous of other women having sex with him, and she was even more jealous of other women grading his papers. Mary Kay was so worried that Vili would cheat on her she actually threatened him with castration. And when she really wanted to scare him, she threatened him with extra homework. The saddest part is that Vili, who is now 21, still hasn't graduated high school. But that's because every time a teacher says, "It's time for an exam," he takes his clothes off!

  • Now this is crazy! Russell Crowe bit his bodyguard. That's too bad because he was making great progress. Just that morning he was able to sit, roll over, and he was finally going on the paper. Apparently Crowe's bodyguard suggested he stop drinking and go home to his wife and kid. And Crowe was furious because he just spent all that time drinking to forget about them.
  • Julia Roberts says she wants to take some time off from acting so that she can focus full-time on throwing tantrums and hysterical fits.
  • A key witness has revealed that Robert Blake didn't think Bonny was a good mother. However, he did think she was an excellent target.
  • So there's been a lot of talk about that new battered women's center, I believe it's called, "Naomi Campbell's apartment."
  • The government has declared Los Angeles a disaster area. Don't worry, there was no hurricane or earthquake, just Courtney Love is back in town!
  • It's finally official! John Stamos filed for divorce. Mainly, the marriage ended because John wanted lots of kids and Rebecca wanted lots of men. Also, their movie careers are just going in two completely different directions. Rebecca is making movies and John is renting them.
  • You have to feel bad for poor Mrs. McGreevey. And you have to feel even worse for his wife! James McGreevey, the New Jersey governor, supposedly was having a gay affair with his homeland security advisor. And they got caught when they raised New Jersey's terror alert from orange to fuchsia.

    James Harris is a comedy writer and stand-up comic whose talents have been showcased on Showtime, VH-1 and HBO. He performs regularly at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles.