LAUGHTRACK

Published on: September 20, 2004

The still-clean-and-sober Robert Downey Jr. just can't forget his partying past. He really likes to drink non-alcoholic beer because he loves the taste. He also likes to smoke oregano and snort baby powder.

  • Tom Sizemore refused to provide urine for his most recent drug test because he was afraid somebody might tamper with it. Later, he realized the drugs were just making him paranoid.

  • Kathleen Turner has been seen embarrassing herself with alcohol-fueled, rowdy and vulgar outbursts. She says she's drinking away her problems but she's acting more like she's drinking Russell Crowe's problems. Actually, she's drinking everybody's problems! During a recent night out at a New York bar, she was such a wreck, you'd think Glen Campbell was driving her. Her husband was overheard saying his wife was "too out of it" to get onstage and sing. Which is actually a nice change, because usually Bobby Brown says that.

  • Bill Clinton has survived four hours of heart bypass surgery. And even more impressive, he survived 30 years of Hillary. Doctors say it will take four weeks before he can go back to his daily routine of exercising but only two weeks before he can go back to his nightly routine of womanizing. Doctors did say he will have to give up his cigar use... well, just the smoking them part.

  • After all that has happened to Ben Affleck, Matt Damon says he will only date women who are not celebrities. I guess that means he will only cheat on them with women who are not strippers.

  • James Gandolfini was in a hit-and-run accident. Not surprisingly, there are no witnesses.
    • Cher is no longer having any plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? She's just suddenly happy with the 2 percent of her that's still real. She's now undergoing what's called facial acupuncture where needles are gently pushed into her face. Actually, her face has been worked on so many times that they could just use a hammer and nails.

    • It's interesting how different celebrities are from each other. Nicky Hilton fought with her husband in public because he was acting like a little boy. While Michael Jackson would have fondled him, Kathie Lee would have put him to work, and Demi Moore would have used him to further her career! But it's just so hard to think of a Hilton sister in a marriage. It's much easier to think of them in aerobic positions that look painful but feel good!

    • Lindsay Lohan called Tara Reid a has-been. And Tara was just so happy someone still recognized her.