LAUGHTRACK

Published on: November 10, 2004

Paris Hilton wants to be a real actress and says she has studied acting for years. And like most real actors, she's not comfortable watching herself act--so she removed the mirror from above her bed.

  • Martha Stewart is having a tough time in prison. She's been bullied, forced into doing things and threatened by lesbian gangs. It sure sounds like she's going to come out of prison a new man.

  • Doctors say Bill Clinton may be suffering from memory lapses--and not just his usual ones where he forgets he's married. Doctors say Clinton suffered from a blood infection that he got from his surgery. Although he may have gotten it from one of the nurses.

  • Ozzy Osbourne says he hasn't taken any drugs or alcohol for six months. So if you're keeping score at home, it's 597 to 6.

  • Nicole Simpson's sister says that O.J.'s actions have scarred her for life. She's lucky he only scarred her--most people bleed to death.

  • Jessica Simpson has such an exclusive credit card that she has to charge $150,000 a year to be allowed to keep it. It's called the "Anna Nicole Smith Card." At first, when Jessica was told she would have to charge $150,000 she didn't want the card, because she said she didn't need dollars, she wanted clothes.

  • Roseanne said Dr. Phil is mean, cruel, a scam artist--and only after people's money. Afterward, she made a large donation to her Kabbalah instructor.

  • It's sad, but Michael Jackson had to sell his Neverland ranch for $18 million after living there for so many years. The amazing thing is most boys can get that much money staying there for one night. Now Michael doesn't know what he's going to do with all the animals he kept. He needs to figure out where he's going to put the giraffes, the elephants and La Toya.

  • Lindsay Lohan was taken to the hospital with a very high fever. Doctors are hopeful that the fever is high enough to melt the ice in her veins. But Lohan's got bigger problems than that--her dad wants to star in his own reality TV show. Although this could lead to another reality TV lawsuit, since FOX is already developing "My Big Fat Obnoxious Father."

    James Harris is a comedy writer and stand-up comic whose talents have been showcased on Showtime, VH-1 and HBO. He performs regularly at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles.