LAUGHTRACK

Published on: December 10, 2004

* Dan Rather is retiring as CBS anchorman and a lot of news personalities are calling because they want the job . . . although Bill O'Reilly is calling just because he's horny.

* Jessica Simpson spent Thanksgiving explaining to her family that rumors about her and Nick splitting up came out of nowhere. She then spent the rest of Thanksgiving trying to find Nowhere on a map.

* The extravagance of Star Jones' wedding continues to amaze me. Did you know her wedding cake was 10 feet tall? However, the rest of her guests all had normal-size pieces.

* Paul McCartney was asked to do the upcoming Super Bowl halftime show. But don't feel bad for Janet Jackson -- she also was asked to do the halftime show . . . at Hooters.

* Pam Anderson plans to star in a sitcom about a character with a weakness for bad boys. It's based on the Michael Jackson trial.

* Colin Farrell and Paris Hilton have been seen spending time alone together. And even though it's early, they've already put their relationship on pause . . . and then they went right back to "record."

* You knew it was just a matter of time -- Martha Stewart plans to star in a reality TV show. Get ready for "My Big Fat Obnoxious Cellmate."

* Anna Nicole Smith says in 1995 she was addicted to painkillers and went into a coma. She started taking drugs after her 90-year-old husband died. This was a very painful loss and we can all relate. We know how scary it is when you lose your wallet!

-- JAMES HARRIS