LAUGH TRACK

Published on: December 1, 2004

* Star Jones got married, and her new husband was finally able to dispel all those gay rumors by passionately kissing the bride. Although, he could have been pretending to kiss Al Roker. Star had an extravagant wedding gown. Her train was 27 feet long, designed after her favorite sandwich.

* Mariah Carey plans to star in another movie. Apparently, she's very optimistic that she can still do more damage to her career. Does anybody remember her first movie, "Glitter"? People thought the snoring was part of the sound track.

* Rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard is dead. When word got out that ODB died, a lot of interns mistakenly sent Hillary Clinton condolence cards.

* Anna Nicole Smith was also confused. She thought he had died and she got his money a couple of years ago.

* Roseanne bailed out of guest starring in Charlie Sheen's sitcom "Two and a Half Men" because the script made too much fun of her life with Tom Arnold. It was about a desperate, drunken farmer who milks a cash cow.

* Britney Spears took a few weeks off and spent her honeymoon in Fiji, relaxing, partying and drinking. Now she's back to work with her busy schedule of relaxing, partying and drinking.

* Hillary Clinton wouldn't let Bill take $5 million to do ads for baby aspirin after his heart surgery. But why not? He spent the last 10 years doing free ads for Viagra.

* Billy Bob Thornton wanted to make his girlfriend think he was back with Angelina Jolie. So he came home one night with blood on his collar. The truth is Billy wants to break up with his girlfriend because she's just not his type -- O positive.

* Now this is hard to believe: Liza Minnelli's bodyguard is saying she forced him to have sex with her. Although she says it was his job to help adjust her hip. But at least she didn't have to force her ex-husband, David Gest, to have sex with her. For that she'd have to dress up like a construction worker.

* Paris Hilton flashed her breasts at a crowd in Miami and screamed, "Here's something to look at." Yeah, with a magnifying glass.

* Kirstie Alley is finally admitting how fat she is. She realized something had to be wrong because when waiters took her orders they kept running out of ink.

--JAMES HARRIS